Dear Automobile Driver,

When you collided into my car and my body was tossed between the seat-belt and seat like a toy mouse being batted between the paws of a cat, I initially thought to blame myself (I guess law school isn’t really sinking into my personality as it should). But after a quick check I realized that I was properly stopped at a red light and the fault was entirely yours. I was annoyed at this inconvenience and wondered if I was going to have to end up filing a police report making my day just that much longer. You won’t like me when my day is made that much longer.

You quickly got of the car and began apologizing profusely. When you explained that you were wearing new boots that were too big for you I nodded my head in understanding. Footwear matters…when driving a car. Stiletto heels can get caught in the floor mats or snag on the carpeting. New, unmarked soles can slip on the pedals. I understood. I understand.

But it was your remorse, which I viewed as sincere, that allowed me to brush off the accident with a smile and send you off on your carefree way.

Peace Sole Sister

When Jack Bauer gives his acceptance speech after being inducted into the CTU Hall of Fame he should be sure to thank Chloe for “having his back.”

Coming soon…

An analysis of the strength of the primacy and recency effects and why middle children get stuck playing catch with themselves by throwing a ball against the side of a brick house.

Dear Mr. Timothy Olyphant, I am intrigued by you. I find you intriguing. I am fascinated by you. I find you fascinating.

Dear Tiger Woods, I am not intrigued by you. I do not find you intriguing. To the contrary I find you a rather uninteresting, thoughtless male who believes all your whims and wishes should be fulfilled whenever and wherever merely because you gained fame and fortune due to an ability to successfully hit a little white ball into a hole.

I know, I know. You did not cheat on me, nor did you cheat with me, but your behavior serves to further promote the exploitative, disrespectful treatment of women and I can’t view this with a wink-wink, a shrug or a “whatever.” It is perpetuating the belief that women are second-class citizens and I will never be okay with this.

Dear LOST writers, Who thought of using the Ba gua symbol as the logo for the Dharma initiative? Was it a male? Is he cute? Maybe we belong together. It’s just that to this day I feel a weird sense of surrealism when I catch a glimpse of the Dharma logo seeing as I had the Ba gua tattooed into my skin many years ago–way before LOST. Maybe I should try playing 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42 in mega lotto powerball games? I also think it is so cool my birthday, both month and day, is represented in the numbers.

Signed, 5 26 15 22 8 18 8

Dear Relatives,

Thanks for the political comment in your holiday “newsletter”. After this past election, I surmised another world must exist. One in which I rarely enter, either purposefully or conicidentally. A world guided by illogical ideas, filled with such self-righteous morality that the accusation of hypocrisy bears no negative connotations as it’s become the norm. Your message not only reminded me of this world, but also alerted me to the fact that many of us did not merely glide into a logical, thoughtful, and multi-perspective-aware existence, but worked hard to earn this ideology.

Love,
b. Smirk

Dear Santa,

Where the hell are you? We keep missing each other. I try to be nice every year, but every year I don’t make your list. What does it take, Mr. Claus? Are you upset from what happened a few weeks ago? That time my niece and I watched A Year without Santa Claus and she said Mrs. Claus wasn’t pretty? Remember, though, I responded by saying that I thought your wife was pretty. That the camera and claymation weren’t doing lady Claus justice. I dutifully told her beauty transcends Barbie blondness and princess prettiness. Come on, Santa, what’s the secret to getting on the “good” list?

Merry Christmas,

b. Smirk

P.S. Say “hi” to all the reindeers.

Dear Joss Whedon,

Watching Buffy reruns reminds me of Cyrano de Bergerac in that, although I have never met you, I feel an affinity for you based on the show’s wit, dark humor, and overall entertainment. I hope you will continue to write and create.

Thanks,

b. Smirk

P.S. The same goes for the new creators and writers of LOST. When an episode ends, I wish another would air immediately. Party of Five’s Charlie pales next to Lost’s Dr. Jack, but for now he remains Charlie from Party of Five to me.

Dear ebay Merchant,

Thank you for the interesting title and accurate description. You obviously took time in listing the product. But I fear I have fallen under the spell of advertisers and their million dollar models and detail-oriented ads. Was it necessary to have a person actually wear the ring in the picture? I realize the Ivory hand model probably isn’t available for ebay gigs, but the close-up image didn’t so much as give an accurate presentation of the jewelry piece as it did the model’s sun spots and stray knuckle hairs. I apologize for feeling turned-off, but unless you’re Wal Mart and already making millions, using everyday people as models may not prove the wisest marketing plan.

Peace,

b. Smirk