Dear Relatives,

Thanks for the political comment in your holiday “newsletter”. After this past election, I surmised another world must exist. One in which I rarely enter, either purposefully or conicidentally. A world guided by illogical ideas, filled with such self-righteous morality that the accusation of hypocrisy bears no negative connotations as it’s become the norm. Your message not only reminded me of this world, but also alerted me to the fact that many of us did not merely glide into a logical, thoughtful, and multi-perspective-aware existence, but worked hard to earn this ideology.

Love,
b. Smirk

Dear Santa,

Where the hell are you? We keep missing each other. I try to be nice every year, but every year I don’t make your list. What does it take, Mr. Claus? Are you upset from what happened a few weeks ago? That time my niece and I watched A Year without Santa Claus and she said Mrs. Claus wasn’t pretty? Remember, though, I responded by saying that I thought your wife was pretty. That the camera and claymation weren’t doing lady Claus justice. I dutifully told her beauty transcends Barbie blondness and princess prettiness. Come on, Santa, what’s the secret to getting on the “good” list?

Merry Christmas,

b. Smirk

P.S. Say “hi” to all the reindeers.

Dear Joss Whedon,

Watching Buffy reruns reminds me of Cyrano de Bergerac in that, although I have never met you, I feel an affinity for you based on the show’s wit, dark humor, and overall entertainment. I hope you will continue to write and create.

Thanks,

b. Smirk

P.S. The same goes for the new creators and writers of LOST. When an episode ends, I wish another would air immediately. Party of Five’s Charlie pales next to Lost’s Dr. Jack, but for now he remains Charlie from Party of Five to me.

Dear ebay Merchant,

Thank you for the interesting title and accurate description. You obviously took time in listing the product. But I fear I have fallen under the spell of advertisers and their million dollar models and detail-oriented ads. Was it necessary to have a person actually wear the ring in the picture? I realize the Ivory hand model probably isn’t available for ebay gigs, but the close-up image didn’t so much as give an accurate presentation of the jewelry piece as it did the model’s sun spots and stray knuckle hairs. I apologize for feeling turned-off, but unless you’re Wal Mart and already making millions, using everyday people as models may not prove the wisest marketing plan.

Peace,

b. Smirk

Today I read an interview with Tommy Lee. I learned he used to have a crush on Jeannie as in “I Dream of”. Coincidentally, I caught an episode of Jeannie this week and pondered her bottle house. Initially, I thought it seemed cozy with its plush, pink, circular sofa overloaded with tasseled and bejeweled pillows. But then I thought, she was trapped in there for years, where did she go to the bathroom? Or acquire food and drink to necessitate this bathroom behavior? It seems impossible that she could have survived for so long without meeting these basic life needs. Or can genies survive without food and water? Too many flaws and unexplained facts in the backstory. So sixties, sit-commish. Not Buffy quality at all.

I also read this: An Open Letter to Porn. Not bad. Although not porn prolific, I do believe he makes some valid points.

Ice: Crushed
TV: Color
Sound: The white noise of a fan turned on high.
Invention I didn’t have at age ten: Email
Christmas song: That one one where they sing something about “carol bells” at a rather fast pace. I can’t undertsand what they are singing, but I like it.
Time of day: 11PM
Window: Semi-circular floor-to-ceiling windows often seen in fancy lofts or opportunity.
Jelly Belly flavor: Cinnamon or popcorn
Photograph: Author “glam” shots pasted on the book’s jacket. They often depict a writer resting his/her chin upon an open hand, as if their head has become too heavy with thought to hold up unassisted. So preeetttyyy.
Favorite thing I read today: A “Missed Connection” where some girl went to a show a few months ago and saw a cute security boy. She wondered if this hot guy, who works at a music venue/bar remembers her from a few months ago. Silly girl, trix are for kids and unless you were turning some, don’t expect a call back.
Favorite movie I saw this year: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Genius.
Favorite Degree: 75 °
Favorite fur color (dog): Black
Favorite fur color (cat): Gray
Favorite ways I spent Christmas Eve: One Christmas Eve I went to a party at my then-bf’s house. After his parent’s went up to bed, we had sex half-under the Christmas tree in a room lit only by the tree’s lights and the glow of the moon, reflecting off the snow-covered lawn as it streamed in through the huge white-paned picture window.
And then one Christmas Eve I stayed home alone and watched a Lifteime version of Dickens’ Christmas Carol starring Susan Lucci.
Favorite place to live: Inside my head