Never heard nor will one ever hear: “Wait, which one was Crazy Pat? I don’t think I remember him?”

If you meet CP, you will never forget him. I promise.

Crazy Pat is a person of passions and convictions. His likes tend toward “loves” and his dislikes tend toward “hates”. He prefers the extreme lines of black and white and veers off the middle roads of gray. Take that one newscaster mentioned below (read it). Whereas I can’t stand the guy, Crazy Pat loathes him. If I happen to like a television show, I accept that this feeling will prove short-lived and transient. (No, not trendy, transient.)
Crazy Pat, though, will like a show so much that his name practically becomes synonymous with the show.

Although he watches little TV, some time ago “Golden Girls” became something like his religion. If he was Tom Cruise, “Golden Girls” would be Scientology. Just a year or so ago, CP signed a petition requesting that Lifetime air episodes of Golden Girls’ spin-off, “Golden Palace”. Those sensitive and sentimental execs at Lifetime met the petition’s demands. I imagine he watched those shows, sipped iced tea and took pleasure in the fact that his active support helped get the shows on the air.

But I believe somewhat that at this point in time he doesn’t so much as find pure and endless entertainment with the show as he does possess a sense of loyalty towards the show. As if putting down the show would be to degrade his very own great aunts.

“What?! How dare you say my Aunt Bea-Arthur-Maude-Dorothy plays the same character in all her sitcoms! I think she exhibits phenomenal acting skill and range. Mrs. Roper could never wear a muumuu as well as my Maude.”

And then there are game shows. The words “Match Game” cannot be spoken without having to follow up with a CP anecdote. If I hear “Match Game”, his name pops into the head sooner than the host’s (Gene Rayburn), Charles Nelson Reilly’s or ’70’s hairdos. The whole genre seems to excite CP. I find it hard to believe he has not yet appeared on a game show. He possesses a load of trivial knowledge which would serve him well on such television shows. Just last night I thought of him as I read a certain news item about a former game show host. I imagined a scene, but would not be surprised to hear that it played out in actuality.

CP: “Oh, did you hear Peter Tomarken died in a plane crash?”

M: “No, who was Peter Tomarken?”

CP with a broad grin: “Come on, you know who Peter Tomarken is?”

M: “No, I don’t. Who was he?”

CP:”Peter Tomarken.. Think, M.”

M: “Ugghhhh. I said I don’t know.”

CP: M, I am ashamed of you. You know, Peter Tomarken, the host of “Press You Luck”. The show with the “no whammies”. Geez.

He adores bearing arcane and rather eccentric news items.

Of course, he also possesses some not so trivial knowledge (the subjectivity of what knowledge is trivial, if any, will be discussed at a later date). If he was to appear in a cartoon and some sinister hooligan were to drop a 50 lb. weight on his head, the cartoonist would draw the prerequisite phallic-looking lump but have miniature globes circling his head versus the chirping birds. I envision maps wallpapering his home.

CP remembers many things and recalls them rather accurately. He has great faith in his memories, as do many others. If he says that you received your first speeding ticket on December 16 in 19xx, then you undoubtedly received your first ticket that day. He has such faith in his memory, that if one was to dispute his memory recall, he would find it hard to accept this alternate version of his story. Even if something seemed impossible to recall incorrectly, he is so convincing, that people often come to doubt their own memories.

CP: No, I am pretty sure you lost your virginity to Todd.

AP: What? You’re crazy. It was Joe.

CP: No, A. I think I would remember to whom you lost your virginity.

AP (after thinking a bit): Well, if you say so… (She backs down, but feels concerned wondering if she has suffered some sort of brain damage, feels lost belieiving she cannot trust her own memories. )

I thought that Philip Seymour Hoffman’s Truman Capote resembled Crazy Pat.

So this is Crazy Pat. If you have any questions, you know who has the answers.