No, no “baby.” I put “baby” in a corner. I do not want to support an ancient ad campaign for an addictive cancer-monger.

But this collection really demonstrates the changing standards of what television viewers will allow. The Most Ridiculous “Very Special” Sitcom Episodes Of All Time*. For instance, the “Saved By the Bell” characters in today’s market could have engaged in more cutting-edge and innovative exploration with their characters. Case in point. Jessie, Zach, Kelly? Or pick your three.

* A disclaimer, however, as I think the compiler could have dug a little deeper and picked a better sampling of “special” episodes (see below), but perhaps this individual (or team) did not have a very well-rounded history of television watching.

Dear Automobile Driver,

When you collided into my car and my body was tossed between the seat-belt and seat like a toy mouse being batted between the paws of a cat, I initially thought to blame myself (I guess law school isn’t really sinking into my personality as it should). But after a quick check I realized that I was properly stopped at a red light and the fault was entirely yours. I was annoyed at this inconvenience and wondered if I was going to have to end up filing a police report making my day just that much longer. You won’t like me when my day is made that much longer.

You quickly got of the car and began apologizing profusely. When you explained that you were wearing new boots that were too big for you I nodded my head in understanding. Footwear matters…when driving a car. Stiletto heels can get caught in the floor mats or snag on the carpeting. New, unmarked soles can slip on the pedals. I understood. I understand.

But it was your remorse, which I viewed as sincere, that allowed me to brush off the accident with a smile and send you off on your carefree way.

Peace Sole Sister

When Jack Bauer gives his acceptance speech after being inducted into the CTU Hall of Fame he should be sure to thank Chloe for “having his back.”

Coming soon…

An analysis of the strength of the primacy and recency effects and why middle children get stuck playing catch with themselves by throwing a ball against the side of a brick house.

When accusing an adversary of basing his/her argument on emotional reactivity versus the reasonable application of the law to the facts it seemingly weakens one’s own argument when in explaining the relentless defense of the issue at hand they use the words “near and dear to me” as this arguably indicates a similarly emotional reaction to the subject matter.

Dear American Idol Contestants,

Thank you for doing to The Rolling Stones’ Songs what elevator music does to all songs.

Dear Notre Dame,

Thank you for messing up my triple game parlay. I am glad my spell check flagged your name as being erroneous as you guys were a big mistake.

Dear Cali.org, I benefit greatly from your interactive tests. The property lessons were particularly invaluable.

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